The Story of Owen

Owen will be one at the end of this month and I am amazed by how fast the time has flown since he was born. I have yet to right down his birth story and thought I should do it while I was thinking about it. It was a little bit of a process to even decide to have another baby. Jeff felt really good about three and felt content with Madie, Ethan, and Landon. I really thought we would probably be done at three as well, but over time I couldn't stop feeling that we weren't done. I had babies on the brain and the thought of not ever holding another baby that was ours just didn't feel right. I will admit that deep down I really wanted another girl and a sister for Madie. Jeff and I had numerous talks and a lot of thinking about whether we should have another baby or not. We knew if we had another baby that would mean a 4th c-section for me, that was a big concern for both of us. It gets more dangerous for the mother and baby everytime a women has a c-section. I also worried, knowing that I have a hard time after having eacg baby and I really struggled alot after Landon's birth. After a lot of thought we finally decided to have another baby.

It didn't take long to get pregnant and when I actually took the test and saw that it was positive, I was more afraid than I was happy. I truly felt scared. I hoped that we had not made the wrong decision. We were so content with three I worried how life would be with a fourth one. I have truly been blessed with good pregnancies and this one wasn't any different. Ethan was my biggest baby at 8 lbs. 3 oz. and Landon was my smallest at 6 lbs. 15 oz. I remember feeling so huge with Ethan and how I felt so small with Landon. It didn't take long before I knew I was feeling the same way as I had felt while pregnant with Ethan, HUGE.

The day finally came for the ultrasound a day I had been waiting for since I saw the positive sign on the pregnancy test. I thought I had really prepared myself well that it was probably a boy, but deep down I was praying and hoping for a girl. We went in and the ultra sound tech asked what we were hoping for. I said a girl and so right from the beginning she kept calling the baby a girl. This made my hopes go up, until she said oh I guess I was wrong and I said what do you mean and she said "it's a boy". I was devestated I began crying and crying and I think after that I pretty much zoned out of the ultrasound and all I wanted to do was leave and go home, so I could cry in private. We then went out to the waiting room to wait for the Dr. to call us back and I just balled and balled. Jeff was just frustrated because I think deep down he thought the only reason I really wanted another baby was to have another girl, and now that wasn't happening. He didn't even know what to say to me.

It took a lot of crying and a lot of time for me to accept and be happy with having another boy. I know it sounds so lame and horrible to feel that way, but I grew up in a family of all girls. My mom was from a family of all girls. Her and all her sisters all had three girls to begin with. For as long as I can remember I dreamed of being the mother of little girls. It was what I knew. I was super happy when we found out that Madie was a girl. I was super happy when we found out we were having a boy with Ethan. Jeff too came from a family of girls. He was the only boy and had three sisters. I was very happy to have a boy because I was happy that he would have a son. And while I loved having sisters I always thought it would have been fun to have a brother. So yes I was happy to be having a boy. I was a little bummed when Landon was a boy, but I got over it pretty quick. I think I felt extra pressure for Owen to be a girl because I knew it would be our last baby and that it would be my last chance to have another girl and for Madie to have a sister. So while I felt blessed to be pregnant I also felt sorrow, because it meant letting go of a dream I had had since I was a little girl. Letting go of dreams can be hard. I also felt bad about myself. I felt that maybe I wasn't a good enough mother to have girls. Why wouldn't Heavenly Father let me have more girls? Why was he sending me all these boys? Why are things so uneven. Why do some have all boys and no girls? Why do some have all girls and no boys? Why do some have half and half? Why couldn't Heavenly Father mix things up a bit? Why was I getting so many boys? I still don't know why, but have accepted that Heavenly Father has a bigger plan that I can't see and that maybe it's not all about me, and that my little family is the way it is supposed to be.

As the pregnancy went on I came to terms with not having another girl, and tried to get ready for having another baby. I went into labor early with Landon and so fears of going into labor early with this baby also worried me. We scheuled the c-section date around Jeff's mom's work schedule. She is a teacher and she had parent teacher conferences scheduled for the same time as the baby was due. I kept reassuring her that everyting would be fine and that I doubted the baby would come early. Well low and behold nine days before my due date I went to Hobby Lobby with Landon (Ethan was a preschool & Madie was at school). After we got back from the store I just didn't feel well. I was in pain, and uncomfortable. I called Jeff at work to share my concern that they baby might be coming. He called his mom to warn her that the baby might be making an early appearance. I was in stress mode. It was nine days away from the due date and I just didn't feel ready in any way shape or form to have the baby here. I was scared to death to have another c-section,to have a newborn again and afraid how I would handle a baby and getting kids off to school. I was in total denial that he was even coming. We didn't have anything ready for the hospital, so that night I was rushing around trying to get things together. I had a Dr. appt the next day so I figured I could out until then. I called a friend from church to see if she would be willing to watch the boys the next day and also asked her if she would be willing to come and stay with the kids if we had to go to the hospital in the middle of the night. I told her I didn't think it was likely, even though I was totally having regular contractions by then. Jeff and I attempted to go to bed, but I was in such pain I wasn't getting any sleep and the contractions were getting more regular. We finally called the Dr. and decided we better go to the hospital. We called our friend to come over and as soon as she arrived we were on our way.

Once we got to the hospital they checked us in and took us to a triage room. The nurses had me change into a gown and get a urine sample. The hooked up monitors to monitor the baby and myself. They contacted my Dr. who just happened to be the Dr. on call that night. The started to give me an IV, but struggled to get one in. After six different tries in six different parts of my arm, they finally got on in. I was so mad that it took so many tries and people to finally get one going. My arm was in total pain. After they got me ready and prepped for surgery Jeff went to change into his scrubs and they wheeled me off to the operating room. They gave me the spinal in the OR and I just remember shaking and shaking and shaking, finally a nurse brought me a warm blanket and wrapped it around me and when the spinal was done Jeff came in and they began the c-section.

It seemed to take so long, longer than I remember with the other ones. Finally Jeff told me they had the baby out, I heard his cry, and I began to cry. Jeff said he had a lot of hair just like Madie and I began to cry more. I don't know what it is about hearing my babies first cries, but it always makes me cry. I think it always hits me what a miracle the birth of a baby is. How amazing it is that a new life is created, how overwhelming it feels to be the one that will take care of it. The thought that life will never be as it once was. And most of all the total and complete feeling of Love that you have for that baby. They got the baby cleaned up and Jeff brought him over so I could see him. It's always made me sad that I have never held my own baby right away, that I haven't been able to make that connection with them while they are still so fresh and new.

Jeff went with the baby to the nursery like he has with every single one of our babies. While I am sad I have missed this experience I have always thought it was such a wonderful expereince for Jeff. A way for Jeff to instantly be connected to our babies. After the Dr. finished stitching me up, I was wheeled into recovery to wait for Jeff and the baby to come. It took a long time before they came and I was starting to feel anxious for thier arrival. I was also very uncomfortable and the nurse soon realized that my IV had collapsed. Yes the IV that took six pokes to get had collapsed and so she had to call for someone to come up and put a new one in. Finally someone came and it took two more pokes for her to start a new one. Yes that is a total of 8 pokes that day. My arms were so sore and so bruised. Jeff finally arrived when they were in the middle of getting the new IV going. I had so many cords and plugs coming out of me that I could barely even hold the baby and any attempt for nursing him was going to have to wait until I was out of recovery. The nurse told me I had to be able to wiggle my toes before I could leave recovery and that was taking a million years. After about an hour and a half I was able to go to my room and hold my sweet baby for the first time. He was so beautiful and so sweet. I was able to nurse him for the first time and to snuggle with him. He had so much dark hair and an angel face. He truly was a gorgeous little baby.

After the baby was born Jeff called his mom to let her know he was here. Our friend Shannon got the kids off to school and then took the boys over to her house. She said she would watch them until Jeff was able to come. After I was situated with the baby Jeff left to go be with the kids, and my mother in law was on her way. After Madie got done with school Jeff brought the kids up to the hospital to see me and the baby. Jeff's mom got to the hospital at the same time. It was funny because we ended up in the same room as we had had when we had Landon. To see the kids there holding the baby made me feel like it hadn't been that long ago that we were all there, but holding Landon instead. It's crazy how fast time goes.

Having Owen as a part of our family has been amazing. He has been a wonderful and sweet baby. Even though I didn't get the girl I so badly wanted I know that our family recieved the baby it was supposed to. I can't imagine not having Owen, and I know that Madie and I will be closer because we are the only girls. I feel truly blessed to have a daughter and while I only have one, I know she is a very special one. I look at my three boys and feel proud of how wonderful and different each of them are. I know our family will be blessed as they grow older, start scouting, recieve the preisthood, and go on missions. I never had those experiences while growing up with only sisters and it's fun to see how different boys and girls are.

I'm not going to pretend that Owen's baby hood wasn't hard at all. I have struggled with anxiety and my OCD nature after all four kids were born. When Landon was a baby I actually went and say a therapist for awhile because I was struggling so much. I could recognize those same feelings coming back with Owen and knew I had to do something. I was feeling so anxious and on edge I was giving myself stomache aches and having a hard time dealing with all the changes in our lives. I finally decided to talk to my Dr. about it and get on an anit-anxiety medication. I normally don't struggle with anxiety so I knew that it wasn't something that I would need forever, but for a little while why I found my bearings and could deal with life being unpredictable. I am a very scheduled person and I find comfort in having a routine, that is hard to have when you have a new baby. It helped being on the medicine and I am glad that I made the decision to put my pride aside and to do what I needed to do to help myself and my family. I had other children and a husband who needed me to be the best I could be. It's hard for me to admit this, but I don't feel any shame in it. As Owen has gotten older and life has become more routine again I have not needed to be on the medicine anymore and have been off of it for a few months. It feels good to be back to my old self again.

I am at a strange place right now. I feel so relieved that we are moving onto a new phase of life, but feel the sadness of being done was well. I truly feel grateful for being able to be pregnant four times, to have had four healthy babies, to have been able to nourish each one. I am thankful to be a mother to four wonderful children. Time goes by so fast and I already feel them slipping away from me at times. They will be grown before I know it and I will mourn for the days when they were still my little ones, but until then I am going to enjoy them being here with me. Owen I can't believe you are almost one. It can't believe it has almost been a year, you have been such a blessing and a joy to our family. I love you and am so very grateful that you are mine.